It has been over 5 years since I wrote my last post on this blog, and it was something that I wasn’t really happy with in the first place. Its has since been deleted.
Much like the mistake of letting this blog dwindle and also putting up something which has not been the main point of this site (game reviews, daily dairy & writing), I have been proceeding ahead with life just like how anyone else would. The main problem I encountered with my journey so far was a very distinct lacking of direction towards the life I wanted versus the life I have at this moment. Which is why I’ve returned.
I came back to remember who I was so many years ago and what I used to talk about with such passion and interest. The flames that warmed my spirits during my low periods in life have been forgotten and whiffed out by the unending winds of work and life. I had forgotten who I was and have no recollection of who I have become. Instinct lead me back to the path I once traveled, and the familiar footsteps and puddles rekindled the younger man within.
Looking back at my older postings of games and exercise, I recall now the habit of writing that kept my creativity inspired as well as the duality of character which my writing gave a voice to. My words and thoughts sketched a persona, which now was more lifelike, accompanied me and entertained the constant explosion of ideas in my mind, it was the sparkles that followed the fireworks of my thoughts.
And I… I have not heard it for so long, nor so clearly again as I do today.
I’m a very different person now. More grown up, more aware and much more tired. My years in the Hospitality industry has, for the better, matured me as a man and allowed me a decent living. I am very thankful for the many opportunities I have been offered and taken as well as the wonderful people I had the honor of working alongside, learning from and calling them friend.
But as I’ve learned, my passion and drive is not fed and emboldened within this career path. For all the good it has given, there are just as many moments where I have been downtrodden, humiliated and abused. It has turned me into an angry, spiteful and bitter person, often pushing me into moods of depression, anxiety and rage. Suicide was a constant after though.
For the longest time, I endured it. Anything worth doing wasn’t easy, and this was far from it. I didn’t stop to consider whether the price I pay of my sanity and health was worth the security and comforts of the salary and benefits. As often the case with many examples, it would be a second too late when the idea hits the right series of synapses.
I’ll be honest, I’m hating it.
The restaurant I manage, the team I lead and the group of people I work for are by all accounts; amazing. The courage these people have to face the daily grind and the simple determination to earn a living speaks volumes of the character they uphold. I am proud to be considered their friend and manager. And it pains me to hold all these pent up frustrations and the divisive mental strains I contain within.
So I have decided not to repeat the mistakes I made before. I won’t be making sudden resignations or disappearances, I’ve grown up from those options. I’ll be facing these challenges with a mature mindset and an open mind. I still have a livelihood to consider and two parents to take care of. I want to start taking a step back into a path I know I should be rather than one I was told to be on.
Wish me luck.