Last post I mentioned quite a bit of my current situation, feeling burned out and out of gas from the life I’m currently going through. Put it simply, I’ve got a home stretch to dash through, and my body is willing, but the spirit is already about given up.
Its moments like these that always make me feel angry at myself, because its so obviously saying in my face, that I am not going to make it and I have always been stuck in a vicious cycle, that is to have great determination at the beginning only to tire out and feel like dead weight just before the final countdown. Honestly, its not the end of the world, but it sure does feel like it. Having to drag yourself back up and face the final obstacle takes quite a lot of effort. And effort comes from a strong will and desire to see your dreams come true.
As it turns out, I had forgotten about my dream for so long. Long time ago, when I was much dumber and ignorant, I had the wish to be a pastry chef, a damn good one at that. I had ideas for a business, and had a yearning for all things sweet and artful. Many years have passed since that day, and with newer knowledge and understanding, your view of the world changes as well. Next thing you know, you find yourself waking up everyday, dragging yourself up to a place you don’t want to be, wearing a monkey suit, giving presentations and reports on things you feel never really matters to you and what you stood for.
With each passing day, you feel yourself becoming more and more drained and wasted away. And the next thing you know, you’ve fallen into a dark pit, which you never knew, was being dug by your very own self, and silly you, never thought of bringing a rope ladder.
But enough on the past, no amount of words or complaining is going to help climb out of it. It will only drain your diminishing energy further. Now its time to take a good look at yourself and your position, and figure out what in the world do you plan to do?
That is a question, I have yet to solve, and hopefully one that I will be able to answer soon, as I enter my 22nd birthday this year, my time for mistakes grow lesser and lesser.
Meantime, doing research for a dissertation sometimes unfolds beautiful gems of knowledge amidst the dessert of words and figures. One such as this one:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jIwrV5e6fMY
Tan Hsiu Ping
April 28, 2011 at 9:24 am
Hey Calvin. I recently stopped by your blog, and I hope that things are looking up for you. Finishing up your studies can be a bit of a long haul, and quite a pain when the process is drawn out. =P I can empathize in that arena.
Keep pressing on!
Tan Hsiu Ping
April 28, 2011 at 9:25 am
Having said that, it does get better. =) Really.